After a few days of being alone, having time to think, to be in this shell (in other words my bedroom) just to reflect on the week which has just past us. I realise there is still so much hatred in the world, still so much discrimination, even to people who are just wanting to make a difference. The power of having a surname which represents something, even if you are nothing like your relatives.
Not knowing what the future will bring excites me a little, hoping that some how we can make a difference, that we can educate people in such a way that they also feel the same as we do, that we want to make a brighter and safer future, which doesn’t involve hating because of who we are. We all, this week changed, even if it was only a small percentage of us that did, I already feel myself wondering what more we could do, what other things might help even that tiny bit to step forward, just one more step, to raise awareness and stop this hatred which swarms through our world like the plague.
The team, no words can describe how amazing this team ‘Footsteps’ are. I was honoured to be involved, I am honoured to be part of this wonderful bunch of people. We are all completely different, all of us from different backgrounds, of different ages... but together we stand as one. I miss having debates with them already, wondering when we will all next be together on an event or project. Even over skype, it’s nice just to talk to them, but for some reason I don’t want to throw my emotions, my thoughts and feelings onto them, we are all feeling differently now, this weekend was time to relax, even after speaking to a friend, I felt myself unable to really describe Auschwitz, instead I was talking about different parts of the trip, things which I knew would interest her more than what I had seen in the hellish place known as Auschwitz.
I think the balance we had, of dark times and happy times was good, how we could come out of such a place and somehow make time for smiling, laughs and jokes. I felt happy that we could do such things as going to the Jazz Bar to relax and ease ourselves after such long and emotional days such as this. Giving us time to think on the way back to Krakow in the car, either talking, listening or staring out the window in a moment of thought. In these moments of thoughts, it gave me time to think everything which I had seen through, so that later, I could act like the idiot, to try and bring laughter into the conversation, one thing I am good at, making a fool of myself.
Such a diverse range of people makes for good company, we have all had different experiences, we all have different ways of thinking, writing and talking. It’s wonderful to be involved in such conversations which goes from History, to music to absolutely anything on our minds, even if that ends up shouting ‘quickly quickly idiot’ in German at each other. Being able to make fun of each other and still find that moment to enjoy it, without being slightly insulted by each others comments. Making stupid animal noises and still being able to hold ourselves together in one piece after hours spent in Auschwitz.
I have already felt myself growing as a person, I already sense that this work will take generations after generations... but for now, I am happy, I am happy to be involved with such wonderful people with such a passion to help such a needed and wanted cause such as this. Meeting survivors and just holding their hand for a single moment, and saying how brave they are. Walking through blocks which have been left untouched, seeing the vastness of the whole camp, everything makes you grow as a person and makes you realise that hate is the one thing which can destroy us all, hate for another human being, now what is the point of it all, why do we have to hate someone because of the colour of their skin or their religion? I still am asking myself this everyday, I ask my friends this every day...I come across racism in my town, something I will question them on, their answers never justify why they hate differences in people, how they can hate someone from a different country because of their language or accent, without knowing someone how can you hate them so much?
Even someone asking ‘what is Auschwitz’ the other day, how can you not know what Auschwitz is?! How can you not know?! It is in our education, it is mentioned all the time how can you not know what happened to six million Jews and god knows how many other religions and innocent people who did not deserve any of the suffering and death they had to bare. I wanted to shout at him, I wanted to scream, tell him what happened there... but instead I walked out, unable to even imagine how I could tell such a story, tell him about what happened there. When I am still struggling to overcome these emotions which have crashed down on me like a storm.
I sit here at my desk, listening quietly to Spiegel Im Spiegel while I write this, looking back at the times we all shared together. What wonderful memories.. what sad and emotional memories we had to face together. Yet here, I find no one really asks me about it, apart from when I arrived home ‘How horrific was it?’ they asked ‘Is it as horrific as it looks?’ again, I shook my head and said ‘there are no words’
I was lucky enough to be called for, by a dear friend who dragged me out, just for a coffee and a smoke. I felt blessed that she had come, to pull me out of this sorrowful state of thought. She understood, she said it was better for me to see her, than to be sitting in my room counting the hours go by as I write and think about everything which has happened.
I just wish I could explain it, how one moment I can switch from being such a happy person to wanting to just lay down for a moment and think about everything which has happened in the past week.
I have to write about how lucky I am, how honoured I am that the person who has made this all possible, the inspirational man who is judged for his name yet works to fight against the hate of the world. Rainer Höß a man who wants to help the world, who has cut all contact from his family, and now stands up against hate. I feel lucky that he involves me in this work, that he helps me to learn and to grow as a person, yet together we also act like big kids. The group, we all act like big kids, when the time is needed for us to act like idiots and cheer each other up, we know what to do. I feel lucky, to know people such as Rainer, Lee, Debbie, Simon and Rob. People who will work together for a better cause in the future. People who are so passionate about this work and this goal, this mission. I just hope that I can live up to these people, to be as inspirational and intelligent as they are now. I am still young, but I will try my hardest to work hard, help them and grow to be like they are.
If anything, I have grown. If only this beautiful world could live in peace, without hate of a religion, sexuality, colour of skin or political views. Why there must be so much hate in the world.
I finish this post on a moment of reflection to what happened, those innocent lives who were murdered in the Holocaust. We must never forget them. Together let us keep their voices alive, their faces in our memories and their suffering in our hearts.
Together we can make this place better, we all want one thing, and thats for the future generations to live in peace... without being judged and hated on who they are.
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