Poland; Journal Entries.

I am finding it hard, too hard to speak of how I feel, unable to talk about my own deep feelings on what I saw, I thought I would post sections of what I wrote during the week, of course a lot of personal moments have been taken out for personal and private reasons... This is probably the easiest way for me, to express my feelings.

This isn't going to be extremely historic, I already know. It's more about my own emotions, feelings and thoughts throughout the trip.

Saturday 24/01/15

While in Poland, the snow is falling, the peaceful cobbled paths of Krakow inspire me to learn more about this wonderful city, a city of such vast culture and the beautiful buildings which circle the town square. Even after one day I felt myself attached to this place, attached to the country... attached to the history. 

 Knowing that in only a few days, I will be making my first trip to Auschwitz is daunting, it haunts my mind, making me feel sick in the stomach... wondering what really I will feel when I first see the gate which boldly says ‘Abeit Macht frei’ Work makes you free. The snow chills me, I write this while facing the window, looking out into the dark snowy streets of the Jewish Quarter. Wondering what this week will bring me, if it will bring me a sort of force which will be so overwhelming I can not move or will I be ok until I am alone? knowing my own person, my own habits, I find it hard to cry in public, even when my dear cousin died, I found it hard crying in front of my parents for a while. I don’t know how I will feel, but that will be more of a discussion with myself and this document when the time comes. For now I continue to admire the view, the city and just being here. Finally I have come to Poland, and finally I will see Auschwitz for myself, I will be able to write better, and grow as a person. 

Sometimes I feel as if my age will be a problem. Who listens to a 23 year old with a major interest in History? In the past I felt this, people ignoring my questions and replying with ‘what degree have you done?’ with no real respect for what I wanted to do, this sounds selfish but at the age of 21/22 I was ignored, no one was interested in speaking to a 20 odd year old who had a passion for history, I was just a student, on their way to becoming a teacher... nothing more. I feel lucky, to have such a good group, who allowed me in, at the beginning of 2014, who now I am waiting to meet, and all of us to be finally together face to face tomorrow morning. I feel that somehow I have found myself lucky enough to even me acknowledged as knowing anything about the Holocaust, History and even Josef Mengele. But this trip isn’t about me, not one bit. It’s about keeping the stories, the voices and the memories alive. I feel I may change a lot after this trip, but for the better, maybe I will grow more as a person, as a scholar and as a writer. 

But this is not about me, it’s not about the group. It’s about remembering the survivors, remembering

the victims of such a dreadful and horrible nightmare of genocide. To remember those who suffered, to stop the hatred which is slowly consuming the world day by day. To never let history repeat itself, so that this would never happen to any human being, even today genocides are happening, people are being killed in the name of hate, hate crimes... Concentration camps still running in North Korea... I don’t understand how someone could hate a religion or a race, a sexuality or belief so much that they wish to completely wipe them off the surface of the planet. How could such a person wish this upon a group of people... This is something I wish to discover, to bring me closer to being able to tell these stories, to keep the survivors and the murdered victims stories alive.

I promised myself, this would be something I will dedicate my life to, I would try until my last breath to keep these memories alive, to not allow deniers to wash the voices away... and to not let hate and the right-wing take control of this beautiful world. This could happen to anyone, to any religion or race... we need to stop choosing enemies, to stop choosing a scapegoat. Embrace culture.. We are all human beings, who bleed red when you stab us... why hate because of who we are...

I am unsure what this week will hold, I am nervous and excited... thats a lie, i’m utterly scared. 

Sunday 25/01/15

The coldness, the utter coldness. Today I went to Auschwitz main camp, I saw the deep dull brick buildings of Auschwitz. Oh the stillness of it all, how the buildings haunting my eyes as I saw them. The snow falling down, the snow which froze our bodies stiff, unable now to even imagine how the inmates felt when they suffered here. How they only had those thin rags, and wooden clogs. I couldn’t bare to walk too far inside, already I felt uneasy. The camp was empty, apart from media and ourselves.. there were no tours.. it was dark and empty, haunting and cold. Those strange moments which completely overtake your feelings. We walked to the gas chamber, following the crowd of the group, I felt a little safer around them, they all were feeling the same way I was, everyone was full of sorrow and despair for just seeing what happened here... 

Walking into the gas chamber, seeing the scratches on the walls. I wanted to turn around and walk out straight away. The walls closed in on me, I felt sick, I felt dizzy... I stood for a moment, in silence staring at the back wall... Thousands were killed in this very room. This room... the innocent lives which died in this room. I didn’t want to speak, I didn’t want to move.. I stood there. Just stood there. Hands in my pockets, clenching my fists. 

God help those innocent souls... I’m not religious... but God help them..

The children... the parents, the brother, the sister, mother, father, grandparents...oh god, what poor poor souls.. murdered because of their religion, their heritage.. My mind feels weak, my mind wants to shut down, my eyes water as I type, imagining such pain and suffering which is impossible to even compare to. How am I suppose to write my own feelings when my mind is so focused on how scared they must of been, how much they suffered.. I sit here, I can't think... 

I couldn’t bare it anymore, I walked out, I stood outside in the freezing cold air, a friend joined me, we smoked and stood in silence for a moment trying to describe our own feelings... it was too hard. The rest joined, after walking to see the Gallows... We all just stood there... I tried to talk, tried to change the conversation on the way home, but we always ended up speaking of history. I thought if we continued to talk, maybe our minds would settle and be at ease.

I close my eyes and I see barbed wire, I see the brick buildings.. Already I am haunted by what I have seen. My feelings overwhelming me... I don't know how to describe it... Already I feel myself changing, growing and learning... but this isn't about me... this is about them, this is about the victims, the survivors... the memory HAS to be kept alive.. I feel as if I repeat myself everyday, but I will always tell myself this... 

It's about those millions of lives lost. The thousands that survived. 

However, it was the first day we were all together;

That strange moment, when you meet a man and instantly feel like you have known them for years. The laughs, however moments later we were on our way to Auschwitz.

It was a weird experience, seeing everyone together after a year of talking via social media and sometimes skype. It was extremely weird. But a good weird in a sense. I felt a sense of nervousness, I didn’t know how to act or what to say.. to be myself? A hyperactive student who likes a joke and a giggle? Surely they would of thought me weird and left me behind? I didn’t know what to do... But the laughter began, and I felt at ease around these amazing and inspirational people. I never thought, I could be with such fine company. 

As I sit here now, wondering over the first day, I feel the snow on my face as we looked around Auschwitz when I close my eyes. I feel a sense of joy, for meeting such wonderful people. It is a mix of emotions right now.. Maybe after a rest... I will be able to describe this day... 

Yet again, I reflect upon this mission, this goal... this dream. How important it is, how much work it will take, I will never give up...

Monday 26/01/15

I feel tired, I feel disconnected from this world, just a tiny bit. The night before, I slept for an hour, my mind was too busy, my head was full of questions... I was expecting it, it will happen more... I am sure of it. 

Today we left for Auschwitz extremely early, Rainer had a lot of interviews to be doing, which is understandable. So we got the chance to wonder around the empty camp, we walked around, still I was in this surreal state, I had yet to walk into a block... I just walked, not knowing what to think... walking towards the wall of death, walking past block 10 and 6.. two experimentation blocks.. such a scary and unnerving atmosphere. I couldn’t even start to imagine what this had been like 70 years ago... We finished at the gallows. To see where Rudolf Hoess was hanged for his crimes. A chilling moment, as we discussed how his last view would of been of the creation he made, the nightmare, the hell which he had run, commanded and worked at... The end of his life, where he had ended so many thousands... millions of lives. 

We were lucky enough to go see survivors speak at a near by library in Oświęcim, the near by town. The survivor moved everyone in the room, we only stayed for a little while before we had to regroup, but he spoke of such sorrow and heartbreak, even with short breaks I felt the pain rushing through me, unable to stop listening to his voice. How brave he must of been, how scared he must of been, all questions I was telling myself.. how alone he must of felt....how helpless.  I find as this week is going on, already my dedication is rising higher than I thought it could. I felt my blood boiling when I heard of his suffering. This work, this work with footsteps is so important, so extremely important. We know what we must do, we know that education needs to grow, for education is the key to the beginning of change. How I wanted to tell these stories, remember their faces, remember their voices... so one day I could tell their stories, keeping their stories alive. 

As the day continued, we ended up at a youth centre, to see art work known as the ‘Cities of Peace’ however, we came under a problem, under the name of Hoess, of course some survivors, so traumatized by the experience in Auschwitz are afraid of the surname, of course, knowing Rudolf Hoess was the commandant of Auschwitz, no wonder they would be reminded of such experiences as they had gone through. 

 After explaining the group, explaining what we want to do, our goals and missions to stand up against hate, to remember those who died in the Holocaust... we went onwards, to the Jewish Museum in Oświęcim. There we spoke to many people about what we do, our work and history, we got to see the beautiful artwork which had been created, and looked around the museum and synagogue. Toured by a brilliant young 22 year old who was so intelligent, I felt a hope spread through me as I knew the younger generations were standing up, educating the world on what they believed and what they want to see happen in this world.. Peace. He was truly remarkable. And younger than me. 

Then we saw the Villa, the Hoess Villa... it was a scary thought, we were in the house where Rudolf Hoess once stayed, the tile with 1937 printed on it, the year the house was built. Going up to the top floor, looking out the window and seeing what we could see, you could see the camp from here, only meters away from the gas chamber. That idea that Rudolf would come home a family man, a loving father and husband, then on the other side of the wall... he was a commandant of the biggest extermination camp of the Holocaust... my mind was lost. 

The bunker underneath the camp was dark, damp and cold. It was scary to think this bunker lead towards the camp, slightly destroyed now, but the idea still haunts me now..

Heartstrings were pulled this day, I feel myself sinking slowly into my pillow wondering what tomorrow will bring. What will it bring? What is it going to be like? Birkenau... the anniversary... Questions bounce through my head, hurting, painful... yet on the phone I still cannot describe how I feel, what it is like... I can speak of the joyous moments of laughter we share in the evenings... but my voice is cracked... once I try to tell home what it was like during the war... 

 On a positive, this wonderful team is a blessing. What a beautiful group, full of life and emotions, dreams and goals. I feel at ease with each one of them, Lee, Simon, Debbie, Rainer and Rob. It is unknown to me to like people from day one, but this is a wondrous gathering of people. I feel lucky to be here, with this group. I do so hope they wish me to be involved in future projects and events... 

Tonight I fear, I will be nervous, haunted in my sleep by what I have so far seen and heard... 

Tuesday 27/01/15

I am at a loss for words... Even with a few drinks... I am grateful for the laughter we shared after this emotional experience. I am thankful for Debbie who held me as I wept. Oh god what hell must they of lived through. What unimaginable things did they see and live through... I feel my heart weeping, I feel my eyes sore from crying... oh those poor souls... I am able to describe such a site, I am lost for words...

 Why would any human put someone through so much pain... why, why would you hate a religion so much as this? I can not understand... 

 Standing in the freezing cold, the snow falling on us.. even with countless layers on we were freezing, how could they live through that? With only rags on?! How could they... those brave innocent people, how did they cope? Their strength is mighty, they are true heroes, true legends who need to be remembered, people who have suffered such great pain as this... to loose your family and still be able to live on, survive and leave this hell.. how they must of suffered... 

I learnt so much today, I am unable to write about what Birkenau, about the anniversary... today was a changing point... it really was.

Even after several drinks, I tried to keep the smiles going, acted like a fool to bring cheer to the group... even if they dislike me because of it, if I could bring laughter to such a heartbreaking and emotional day, so be it... as long as I can bring a smile... because now... now I can’t smile... not after today not now... I can’t imagine... I can’t say anything.. 

oh god what happened here! Why would anyone want this to happen?! How evil these men were to try to kill so many millions of innocent lives... the children... the children who never saw the beauty of this world, never got to grow up, experience life and love and live their lives...Why did they have to die because of their religion! Oh... my heart hurts tonight... 

 this can never happen again... never..

I can’t write tonight... 

Wednesday 28/01/15 

I didn’t think I would get too much sleep. It’s around 4:30pm now, after a busy morning of walking, visiting Schindler’s factory and sightseeing and being a tourist with Debbie (which was really needed, it was nice to relax and have a little explore of Krakow.. and some how managed to find our way back without men!!) I now sit here, my room slightly smelling of coffee and perfume, I try to think back on yesterdays events. 

 I find myself lost for words yet again, it was an extremely heavy day, we all came out with different feelings, different thoughts and emotions. It was strange.. very strange. I would hope after that, when we went to this amazing jazz bar, that we could sleep with a little more ease, I struggled, I sat up trying to process everything through my head, what I had just seen. Even now I can’t describe it...

 There is something wonderful about snow, the beauty of it all, how it makes everything so much more peaceful in some magical way. But it doesn’t make Auschwitz feel peaceful, it has the opposite effect on such a place, the complete opposite. You can arrive cheerfully, then within minutes you have been drained, you walk through, looking up at every block, every number, every brick... every detail you can... but it drains you, emotionally and physically. Thats all I can really think of right now... 

Today Simon left, what an incredible man, truly, his intelligence is beyond compare. I wish we had more time to talk about Psychology, as I am extremely interested in it. He was so easy to talk to, like we had all known him for years. We kept saying how easily we got along, I’m looking forward to working with him in the future. His emotions towards this work, to this place... how he feels so passionate about it, it’s inspiring. Truly inspiring. I hope we can meet him again soon. 

We went to Schindler’s factory today, even after reading it was just an average museum, I still wanted to go inside, to have a look, learn more. It was strange, there was hardly anything on Schindler inside, instead it had the timeline of events, walking through the timeline, from not being allowed on the trams to being in the ghetto. It was beautifully done, extremely educational. However the one thing that struck a cord, was the final room of choice, the room which is so bright, with scrolls representing the Torah spinning slowly, music playing and as you look up and around the room, small parts of peoples stories are printed on the wall. Small pieces of life, someones sentence, someones voice.. still remembered in this room.. Something so beautiful yet heart-wrenching. We left, we smoked...some headed back to the hotel while me and Debbie made our own adventure into town...actually found a lip balm (when I say this, if you saw the state of my chapped dry lips you would be begging for a lip balm too!) We needed this time, to step out of history and relax for a moment or two, just be able to breath and have a moments peace, so we strolled around looking for an adaptor (which seems impossible here) and buying ourselves a pandora charm to represent this experience. 

 I will have to write this evenings thoughts down later, for now there has been a knock at my door and I have a funny feeling I know who it is, yet again, I am not ready. 

This evening was a lot calmer, it was relaxed and nice, we went to the hard rock cafe in the town square, somewhere very American of course! But it meant we had a chance for a cocktail! I have to admit it was gorgeous...We spoke mainly of history again, although I had said outside sometimes it was nice to talk about other things, especially since it was so hard on Rainer just being near Auschwitz, I worry about him, how much work he does, how stressful it must be yet he carries on, he keeps going because he is so passionate about this work, he is a true inspiration. I just wish I could help more, but I feel useless today, I can only keep him company as we smoke together outside, talk about random subjects, telling me to study, laughing. I hope somehow he is at ease and can relax around me, he doesn’t need his stress levels rising anymore, because yes, I worry, but i’m sure he is sick of me telling him to rest, or to relax for a week after this, to go to bed for longer hours... I must sound like an idiot. 

 We had an early night, this is probably why I can think so much more, even with so little sleep lately, I need to write my thoughts down, so maybe at a time I can process them a little, try and give my words some explanation for themselves, not that they need explaining, they are fine as they are. But maybe one day I can read these back and again remember what this is all about. 

 Last night I thought a lot about the work we will do, the group, the amazing people who we had met, survivors and scholars alike. I feel lucky to be involved with such a group of amazing and inspirational people. I find myself wanting to do more and more each day for this work, to raise awareness of what could happen, to educate students on what did happen because of hate and discrimination. Even if I use my whole life to do this, I will. Without sleep, I will still continue, even when it slowly breaks me apart, I will try and keep those voices alive, people need to keep the voices alive, to keep their faces in their memories, to make sure the deniers do not get to the foreground and history to be wiped clean like a chalkboard. It makes me worry for the future, how racist a single person can be, how racism is still such a common thing in this world, has no one thought of how this world could be if we stopped hating because of who we are, so much hate... 

 Everyday in the newspapers, something horrible happens, somewhere in the world. I loose myself in the moment of reading it, feeling hopeless yet more determined to take action and educate the world. I may be young, but it means I have the whole of my life ahead of me to face these challenges, to help Rainer, to help the survivors, to help students... If I can even do the tiniest thing... I will feel honoured to of done it with such an amazing team, and for such a needed cause as this.

 Meeting a survivor was inspirational, even if it was just for a moment, I wanted to tell him how brave he was, what a hero, a role model for the people. How a man could return to such a place after the suffering and pain he went through when he arrived here the first time. I wanted to hold him and never let go, I wanted to hear his story so I could tell everyone I met about him. How he still wore his rags of the shirt they had, the cap... how small it looked on him, you could just see how starved these poor men and women were, so so brave..

Thursday 29/01/15

Our last full day in Poland together, how strange it feels to be here for the last day, I do not want to go home. I have fallen in love with this city, fallen in love with the culture. Yet I feel today maybe hard, I wake up early today, so I could write a small section in, drowsy from sleep, with coffee beside me. It’s 6am, another night where I struggled to rest. I had so much on my mind, yet so little to write down and explain. Today we will go to Auschwitz, Birkenau and Monowitz. It’s such a shame Simon can’t join us, it’s a shame he couldn’t of stayed the full week, but i’m sure we will be talking to him soon. He writes such heart filled statuses about this trip, about the work and about the history. I wish I could write in such a way, instead I ramble, only to delete this later... if I remember to... I wonder what this day will bring, if I will find myself once again disconnected from this world. Angry at myself for not being able to do more. For now, I leave here, to start this day off. 

We only visited a few blocks, of course it was emotional for us all, every single on of us were in a state of silence for moments, minutes... I didn’t know how to feel or how to think in this place. Dragging my heavy feet, knowing that people had suffered in here. How could they of survived this... those strong and brave survivors. 

 We left quickly, however Rob (Canadian’s Remember) came to us, able to get into Block 10... One of the experiment blocks. Torn between going to Birkenau for an extra 30 minutes or seeing inside a block which is not open to the public, I looked towards Lee and the others, not wanting to make such a selfish move, I waited, looking at Lee hoping he had an answer, we went. Debbie and Rainer headed to Birkenau while the three of us headed to Block 10. Untouched and left for 70 years, Block 10 was still empty, but the floors.. the walls had remained as if nothing had changed, the paint was flaking from the walls... there was still an experiment table in there, which freaked me out, Claudberg.. mengele, Wirths, Kremer, Fischer, Schumann, Kaschub, Weber, Vetter, Capesius, Entress,  Hirt, Heissmeyer... how many of them would of been in this room. Killed innocent men, women and children in the name of medical experiments and science.. It was rusty and old, but just seeing it... it was completely different to what I had expected. Everything was still there, the small ovens, the doors... even the light switches. As Rob pointed out, the worn out stairs weren’t from visitors every day, these stairs were worn out by the people who were in this block, the women who lived in the bunks upstairs, the doctors, the victims, the survivors... the Nazis. All of them would of been in here... such a scary and surreal thought. I hope one day, they will preserve this block, open it to the public and explain what happened in here, explain the pain and suffering that the poor victims of human experimentation went through. How women were used to try and find a way of sterilizing them, how twins were injected with diseases and illness, just to wait for one to die then kill the other... It was a strange place being in here... The corridors haunt me as I close my eyes, the dark haunting corridors...

Rob headed to another unopened block while we went to Block 11 and Block 5. 

Block 11, what words could I use to describe it... what those prisoners went through, how alone, afraid and scared for their lives must they of been. The standing cells, where prisoners would have to crawl through a hole, to stand in a small space with around 4 other people, unable to move, eat, drink or sleep, in total darkness. What pain they must of suffered, what fear they would of felt, I am unable to even come close to imagining these things. The darkness of the cells, the cramp and damp spaces they were shoved into, just because of who they were, their political beliefs... ‘enemies of the state’ How they could of survived is beyond me.. I am at a loss for words, how scared they must of been just entering such a block, most of the time they wouldn’t of come out... alive. I don’t know what else to say, I am at a loss of words... it seems to happen a lot right now... I just need to tell these stories, to remember their faces...their names. 

Block 5 really... seeing the ‘evidence’ also known as their belongings all stacked up, the amount of

shoes, false legs, suitcases... I quietly strolled through them all.. then I saw the children’s items... and I broke. I wanted to scream, even now thinking back on this day, my heart weeps, tears fall. I don’t know what to write, I don’t know what to say, even when my mother called, I didn’t know how to describe this... ‘it’s horrible.. the children.. oh god the small shoes’ is about as much as I could say... my mind looses track of things.. I just imagine the small children with their mothers... happy and free, trying to imagine them being free... somehow it eases it.. if only for a moment, before I remember what fate was waiting for them... in the gas chambers.

Those children, those poor innocent children. Why, why, why I keep telling myself this, why did this happen! I know why it happened but I want to know more, I need to know more, I want to know where these little shoes came from, who owned the little doll, their names, their faces. It broke my heart, completely. I was grateful that Lee was beside me, the two of us were completely overwhelmed by it all. Those children, oh god..

 Such a hellish place this is, what a hellish land we stood in... I can’t even imagine, I don’t want to imagine... How could they live like this? Why did they have to? It makes me want to be stronger, so I could tell these stories for generations to come. 

We headed to Birkenau to rejoin the group, now open to public, there were only a few groups walking around the vast land of the camp... even with the drone footage filmed, the footage didn’t show the full vastness of this place, how extremely large this place is... Walking down the selection ramp in the direction of the gas chambers... Knowing that this was the place where so many thousands would of come... to meet their fate. Innocent lives, little footsteps... in fear, panic, wondering where their families and friends were, if they were coming too... Families spilt apart in one second, never to be reunited. It felt surreal, I didn’t know what to think anymore. Luckily Rob and Lee were explaining things to me, pointing out sections of the camp as we headed down to Kanada and Sauna. 

Here we rejoined with Rainer and Debbie. A slight nudge on the shoulder and the words ‘good girl’ were spoken as I shook my head, unable to describe what I was feeling, as we walked through the sauna, seeing where the real showers were... they must of been so relieved when they felt water fall, knowing they were going to live... But still, their heads shaven, their names taken from them and replaced with numbers... dehumanized and formed into worker ants for the Nazis... it is a hellish place. Seeing the photos, the wall of photos which face you as you make your way into the last room, I walked slowly towards them, my eyes moving, dashing from face to face, trying to remember them all as they were.... innocent, happy and free. The children, dressed smartly for their photos, holding instruments, being held by their family members... being alive. 

 The faces in these photos, the happiness you see in them, how free and alive they were.. but because of a religion, a sexual preference.. things which make us who we are, was the reason they came here... the reason why they were murdered. At this moment I felt a moment of utter silence, as I stared into the eyes of the children, even with my partners talking around me, taking photos and such... I closed my ears to them, and just stared into Peter Huppert’s eyes. Such a small and innocent life, still a baby, how this poor child would of suffered here... not even able to speak, or walk, or realise what was happening. The innocence of life taken from him, before he had discovered it for himself, his life snatched from him in a second, just because of who he was... 

 These families, torn completely through the seams, only their faces remain here, as a reminder to what happened because of hate, prejudice and power. Surely, if every man, woman and child was to see this, they too would realise what must be done, that we as humans, must come together and stop history from repeating itself, so that future generations do not have to live in fear of who they are, which God they believe in, who they fall in love with... something which still today seems so present to us, with people hating someone because of the God they believe and pray to, because of who they love, man or woman. It doesn’t matter, we are all human, we are all here to live, love and learn. Why take that from someone who you do not believe is ‘normal?’ The Nazis did that... and look what happened... Millions dead, because of the hate which they brought to the world. 

We drove to Monowitz from Birkenau, to see what was left of the subcamp. As we drove, the driver Wlad was talking about the buildings which still stood, which were used by the prisoners, so many of these buildings are still standing to this very day. This was were force labour was the fate of the prisoners, starved prisoners working countless hours of the day, to return back for only a little rest before they would be forced to work more. Primo Levi was one of the few survivors who would later write about his experiences here. From what I remember most prisoners here died, from exhaustion, starvation and illness. 

 I am tired now, even after a few glasses of wine, I am unable to write anymore, my eyes are sore, bloodshot from crying. My head is spinning with questions and not finding answers. Tomorrow we leave for England... I’m sure we will be back... I promised myself, I will come back...